This is what I've got!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Second Chance

Even though they say I’m dead, I am not able to accept it.

Mainly because I don’t feel dead. My senses are sharp as ever.

No pain. No golden light. No hell fire. No angels. No ‘getting-sucked-into-oblivion’ business. And still they say I’m dead!

The more I try not to think about it, the more it keeps popping in my mind – the look on my daughter’s face this morning. She had come to my room with the usual bed coffee, to find her father lying cold and motionless on the bed. I wanted to console her, tell her I was fine. But my body refused to obey my orders.

I can see her now – sitting across the room, her eyes red with crying. She looks so fragile. I wish I had been more kind to her. I wish I had truly expressed my love.

During the divorce, I fought hard for her custody. At that time, it was the most I could do to wound my wife. But once the goal was achieved, what did I do? Stay away from her as much as possible just because her face and habits reminded me of her mother’s. But now, I wish I had been more considerate.

From where they have laid my body, I can see up to the front gate.

I am amazed as I see a familiar woman walk up the front steps. I am more amazed when I see the tears sparkling in her eyes - the same way they did when our names were spoken together for the last time, in the court.

I realize how much I missed her. I realize I was wrong about her, all along.

I wonder how she can still cry for my loss. I wonder if I would've done the same, if she was the one draped in white.

I wonder what went wrong. And now, the answer seems obvious – it was me. I went wrong.

My priorities were not what they should have been.

I ran behind the wrong things, and lost what was right.

Money, fame, power, luxury – I have ‘em all. But I find a hollow space in my heart, where happiness should have been.

Emotions and relations – I dealt with them like a businessman.

I see my daughter hugging her mother. They have the same amber eyes, now brimming with tears.

I wish I could stand beside them, with my hand around their shoulders – being the beloved man I never was.

I wish I had seen earlier, what I can see now – happiness comes from little things in life.

People raise me from the floor and I hear my beloveds crying harder.

People set me down in the earth, in a freshly dug pit.

As  they shovel dirt over me, I have one desperate wish – a second chance in life is all that I need.


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