Even though they say I’m dead, I am not able to accept it.
Mainly because I don’t feel
dead. My senses are sharp as ever.
No pain. No golden light. No hell fire. No angels. No
‘getting-sucked-into-oblivion’ business. And still they say I’m dead!
The more I try not to think about it, the more it keeps
popping in my mind – the look on my daughter’s face this morning. She had come
to my room with the usual bed coffee, to find her father lying cold and
motionless on the bed. I wanted to console her, tell her I was fine. But my
body refused to obey my orders.
I can see her now – sitting across the room, her eyes red
with crying. She looks so fragile. I wish I had been more kind to her. I wish I
had truly expressed my love.
During the divorce, I fought hard for her custody. At that
time, it was the most I could do to wound my wife. But once the goal was
achieved, what did I do? Stay away from her as much as possible just because
her face and habits reminded me of her mother’s. But now, I wish I had been
more considerate.
From where they have laid my body, I can see up to the front
gate.
I am amazed as I see a familiar woman walk up the front
steps. I am more amazed when I see the tears sparkling in her eyes - the same
way they did when our names were spoken together for the last time, in the
court.
I realize how much I missed her. I realize I was wrong about
her, all along.
I wonder how she can still cry for my loss. I wonder if I would've done the same, if she was the one draped in white.
I wonder what went wrong. And now, the answer seems obvious
– it was me. I went wrong.
My priorities were not what they should have been.
I ran behind the wrong things, and lost what was right.
Money, fame, power, luxury – I have ‘em all. But I find a
hollow space in my heart, where happiness should have been.
Emotions and relations – I dealt with them like a
businessman.
I see my daughter hugging her mother. They have the same
amber eyes, now brimming with tears.
I wish I could stand beside them, with my hand around their
shoulders – being the beloved man I never was.
I wish I had seen earlier, what I can see now – happiness
comes from little things in life.
People raise me from the floor and I hear my beloveds crying
harder.
People set me down in the earth, in a freshly dug pit.
As they shovel dirt
over me, I have one desperate wish – a second chance in life is all that I
need.
